Find My Way Home
by FujiApples
Summary: Having returned to Stanford, Nina is now an officer in the campus LGBT group. Back in New York, Vanessa is not dealing with things as directly. Or at all. / Written for LJ's queer fest, prompt: "Nina/Vanessa: There is always a community."
1. Chapter 1

_Find My Way Home_

Chapter One

"Nina?"

Vanessa shoved her hair behind her ears distractedly and stared. She hadn't seen Nina since the previous summer, before she left to go back to Stanford. Nina had cut her hair chin-length at some point, and right now the short curls were a chaotic, frizzing mess, studded with raindrops. Her face was streaked with water, too, but Vanessa didn't think that was just the rain; she was pretty sure Nina had been crying. She was carrying a gym bag and she looked like hell.

"Vanessa, I... I'm so sorry, it's so late, I know, I just..."

_I need a place to stay. _

"Can I use your computer?" Nina asked instead. And burst into tears.

"He kicked you _out_?

"Sort of... not really. I mean, I left, but I just couldn't -"

"Didn't you just get home yesterday?"

"Yeah. But..."

Vanessa had never been the most patient person in the world. "But what? What the hell is going on, Nina?"

"It's..." Nina looked down at the couch, charcoal-gray and pretty nice for secondhand. "I'm sorry I'm so wet. Am I ruining your couch?"

"Nina!"

"Okay! Okay, fine. What happened… so I was unpacking, and Dad came in. I don't know why he didn't knock – maybe he knocked and I didn't hear him. Unless I left the door open a little or –"

"Who cares? What happened?"

"Right – well, so I was going through a bunch of notebooks and stuff and there was this, um… a brochure I had. And Dad picked it up." Nina let herself slide to a stop for a second, picking at the bottom of her shirt with her fingers.

"A brochure? What are you talking about?"

"So…" Nina bit her lip. "It was a brochure for the QSA."

"For the what?"

Deep breath. "The Queer-Straight Alliance."

Vanessa sat perfectly still, face blank.

"Vanessa, I -" Nina choked back a sob. "Please don't -"

"No, I'm not," Vanessa said quickly. "It's cool. Sorry, I just -"

Nina could feel the weight of things unsaid balancing in the rafters.

"But, okay, wait -" _You just what?_ But Vanessa had already brushed past it. "He just found a brochure for this thing and kicked you out?"

"No. I told you, he didn't kick me out exactly, it's just that... okay, so I'm one of the community outreach organizers in the QSA, Vanessa. The officers are all listed on the brochure, right on the back cover. I don't even know why I brought the stupid thing home – what was I thinking? I should have known something like this was going to happen, I should have -"

"Hey. Chill. Take it slow, okay?" The words were gentle enough, but Vanessa wasn't looking at Nina anymore; her eyes were trained on the window beyond Nina's head, tracking the little trickles of raindrops racing down the pane. "I didn't know you were doing that," she said eventually, her voice neutral.

"Yeah, well. Neither did Dad."

"So what did he do?"

Nina knotted her hands together in her lap. "It was just a huge fight. Of course he kept pretending it had nothing to do with me being queer. Not that he could even say the word," she said, voice laced with bitterness. "I made three A's and a B this semester -"

"Whoa. Congrats."

"- and all he could talk about was how he wasn't paying for me to waste my time on 'this nonsense'. He kept saying it was his money, and he didn't sell out the business for this, and next thing you know it's that he didn't raise me to behave like this and he... oh, shit." She swiped a tear out of her eye in a fast, savage movement.

"Where was your mom during all of this?"

"Out at first. Then by the time she got home she couldn't get a word in edgewise. Not that she tried too hard –"

"That doesn't sound like her."

"Funny. That's what she said about me." Nina let out a weird noise, halfway between a laugh and a sob. "She thinks I was lying to her, and, God, I swear I wasn't, I just didn't know how… But... but she was pretty mad too, I don't even know if it was because I didn't tell her or – whatever - but then Dad said he wasn't going to pay for me to go back to college if I wasn't going to drop "all of this" next semester -"

"What the hell!"

"- so guess who's a dropout again?" Nina's voice was thick. "I grabbed the bag I was in the middle of unpacking, shoved a pile of laundry into it, and blew out. I can't go back." She cleared her throat. "And I didn't know where else to go... but if I can use your computer I can just... there's housing assistance -"

"At 10 pm on a Saturday?"

"Okay. Shelters. There are ones for queer youths, I know -"

"A _shelter_? That's bullshit, Nina!"

"You think I'm kidding? Vanessa, I have nowhere else to go! I can't go home. I'd rather sleep in the park than face Dad again -"

"That is the most ridiculous -"

"It's not!" Nina snapped her head back to face Vanessa again, eyes blazing. "You really have no idea, do you? What it's like -"

"_I_ don't have any idea! Are you shitting me?" Vanessa jumped up from the couch, starting to pace in agitation. "Seriously, like I never dealt with fucked-up parents? You were there when I was in high school – how many times did I run away? But I never -"

"You never had nowhere to go! There was always Abuela, V –" Nina was sobbing in earnest now. "— I need her so much now, how can she be gone? She was the only person I ever knew who always understood and now there's nobody and -"

"Nina, hey. Hold on." Vanessa sat back down. "All those times I took off when I was a kid, yeah, there was always Abuela, but she was never the only one. Because there was always _you_." She put a hand on Nina's knee. "Come on. How many times did I crash at your place?"

"I don't know." Nina shook her hair out of her face, looked away.

"Yeah. I don't either. So don't even try to sell me on this shelter thing, okay? What are you even - seriously. You're staying here."

"Yeah?" Nina's face hardened. "You sure? Because last time I wanted to stay, the place was too small."

There was a second's pause. The weight above them tottered, almost fell.

"Cut it out." Vanessa rose from the couch. "I'll take the floor tonight, it's fine. Just - give me a minute, I got to get the mail from downstairs." She put a hand on Nina's shoulder, hesitated for a second, then left.

"At 10 pm on a Saturday?" Nina said to the closed door.


	2. Chapter 2

_Find My Way Home_

Chapter Two

Vanessa's studio was small enough that once the couch was folded out, there wasn't much room for her on the floor unless she slept half under the bed. She spent a fair amount of time unplugging and rearranging electronics cords, trying to get the TV and the computer desk far enough into the corner to let her stretch her legs out; there was a lot of swearing involved as well, but Nina didn't offer to help. Vanessa needed to blow off some steam, and Nina needed to not be dealing with Vanessa right now.

_Why did I come here?_

Of course she knew the answer, but knowing it and admitting it were two different things, and it had been such a long day. Nina rolled onto her side and pulled a pillow over her face to block out the light and the noise, willing herself to sleep.

But the pillow smelled so much like Vanessa that it hurt. The lilac-scented conditioner she used; the odd contrast it made with her coconut body wash. Nina could swear she caught a whiff of cinnamon, even, and that was impossible. Cinnamon was the toothpaste Vanessa used, the Tic-Tacs she kept in her purse. That drink they served at the club last summer, the one that tasted like a cinnamon heart. A scent Nina associated inescapably with Vanessa, but she couldn't be smelling it now, in the pillow. Vanessa wouldn't leave the smell of Tic-Tacs behind on her pillowcase.

But it was all Nina could smell anymore, lilacs and coconut and a little bit of cinnamon, and this was hard, it was too fucking hard. She pressed her face harder into the pillow and let the tears come, quiet and stealthy. She never knew if Vanessa heard or noticed. She never really knew when she stopped crying and slid into dreams.

Vanessa's mouth had tasted of cinnamon and whipped cream and alcohol the first time they kissed. They'd found one another outside the club after the blackout. Nina was mad at Benny and Vanessa was mad at Usnavi, and then they found each other and it was the first safe, sane thing that had happened all night. They took off together just as the fireworks were beginning to go off.

For once it looked like Nina's place was going to be a worse scene than Vanessa's, so it was Vanessa's place they went back to. And Vanessa was a little drunk and Nina was beyond exhausted, and somehow it turned them both silly and they wound up in a game of truth or dare: relic of their childhood, when they'd had sleepovers most weekends and played truth or dare at every one. Nina mostly took truths when they played. You had to do enough hard stuff and stupid stuff and embarrassing stuff in real life, she figured, and Vanessa was the only one she could trust with most of her secrets. As for Vanessa, she always, always took dares.

So they were playing truth or dare again at ages 18 and 22, and all night Nina knew they were poised on the brink of something. Watching the easy, loose way that Vanessa moved, Nina wished she could have put back a few drinks herself. This (what?) might have been easier that way.

"Okay okay. Truth or dare?"

"What? It's your turn. Okay, so you have to –"

"No, wait, no, 'cause I was gone, right? My turn, like, expired."

Nina laughed. "Every time we play this you make stuff up! You don't get out of a turn every time you go to the bathroom. Especially since you've had to pee, like, four times since we got back here."

"No, but this is stupid! Come on. And anyway you come up with the lamest dares ever. What were you going to make me do, hop around the room on one foot? For the eighty zillionth time."

"Please. You wouldn't be able to hop to the door tonight."

"What's that, a challenge?" Vanessa jumped off the bed and made a precarious attempt at balancing on one foot. "See, I –" A tiny, excited little hop and she'd gone over again, landing flat on her back on the bed. "—am kind of drunk," she announced to the ceiling. Then it took them ten minutes to get over laughing about it.

"Okay, but really," Vanessa managed eventually. "Truth or dare?"

"Are we still doing that? I thought we were done when it turned out you couldn't stand up. Don't you want to pass out or something?"

Vanessa stopped laughing. "So I couldn't hop on one foot. I'm not going to pass out. I don't get pass-out drunk."

_Oops_. Nina hadn't seen Vanessa's mom since they'd gotten back, and she'd forgotten how touchy Vanessa tended to get about that stuff. "Sorry. My bad."

"Whatever." Vanessa rolled over on the bed, propping her head up on her hand; her hair cascaded down over the edge of the bed in a narrow black waterfall. "Come on. I'm serious, Nina. Truth."

"What, I don't get to pick?"

"No, because I want to know. Truth."

"Um… okay." Nina grabbed her little pile of clothes – Vanessa had loaned her a nightshirt – and rolled them up under her head for a pillow, then lay back against the floor. "You want to know what?"

Vanessa glanced down at her. "Why are you laying like that?"

"What? That's what you want to know?"

"No, but you look ridiculous with your head in dirty laundry. Come up here." She rolled back over, sweeping her hair out of the way so it lay across her shoulder, and patted the bed beside her.

"Um…" But why was she hesitating? She and Vanessa had shared a bed approximately a million times. "Thanks," she said, climbing up into the bed. Vanessa had changed into a tank top and some old gym shorts, and Nina was suddenly very aware of the heat of Vanessa's bare arm against her shoulder. "So what's this big truth you wanted to ask me?"

Vanessa tilted her head towards Nina. The scent of lilacs teased lightly at Nina's nose. "Why did you drop out of Stanford?"

_Shit_. Nina rolled onto her side, back to Vanessa.

"No! I'm serious. I really want to know."

"Yeah, and I really want to not talk about it. Do we have to go into this now?"

"Yes, we do, because you never pick up the phone when I call you. What's that about?"

Nina closed her eyes. "My cell phone service was spotty out in California."

"Right. Stop bullshitting me, Nina. What the hell happened out there?"

"I… Vanessa, please?"

"You said truth."

"You didn't give me a choice!"

"You never pick dare."

"Well, maybe I'm changing, okay?"

"I'll say."

"Give it a rest!" Nina shot upright in the bed, catching her elbow on the bedpost. "Fuck!"

"Wow. Hey. Okay." Vanessa reached out for Nina's other arm. Nina let her, fighting for composure. _Breathe_.

"Forget about it," Vanessa said eventually, and Nina exhaled sharply, massaging her elbow. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it, we won't talk about it. I just…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget I mentioned it." Vanessa rolled over to face the wall. Nina could still feel the ghost pressure of Vanessa's hand on her arm. After a minute she lay back down.

"It isn't some big thing I didn't tell you," she said. "I was working two jobs and I couldn't handle the pressure. My grades tanked and I bailed."

"Yeah. That's what you said. But that's not _why_, Nina." She flipped back over in a sudden movement, dark eyes searching Nina's face intently. "I know you better than that. You don't just let things happen to you. And you don't just 'bail' on things."

"Well, I did on this."

"Right. See? You did it on purpose. Why?"

Nina let out a small, choked sound. Vanessa waited her out.

"You're being a bitch," Nina said eventually.

Vanessa laughed. "That's what all the boys say."

After a second, reluctantly, Nina joined in the laughter.

"Okay," she said after a minute, not looking at Vanessa. "You want to know a true thing about why I left?"

"Yeah."

"I shouldn't have bought my books."

Vanessa's brow crinkled in confusion. "Come again?"

"My course books. Do you know how much college textbooks cost?"

"Um, no."

"Sorry." Nina sighed. "A lot. Like hundreds of dollars apiece, some of them. And one of my classes had six textbooks."

"Jesus." Vanessa paused. "So, let me guess. Not covered by your scholarship."

Nina gave a short laugh. "Hardly. My parents and I went through the tuition expenses a million times, but we weren't counting on six textbooks per class. I was supposed to be working one job sixteen hours a week. That might have covered, like, the textbooks for one class. Maybe laundry for the semester, if I was lucky."

"So that's it? You dropped out because you couldn't afford your textbooks?"

Nina was silent for a long time.

"I figured out I was in too deep pretty quickly," she said finally. "After I started working at the fast food place. And I probably could have quit if I resold the textbooks and used the library."

"So…?"

A little section of Vanessa's hair was lying over Nina's hand. Nina picked it up and started to braid it, slowly. "I didn't want to."

"You… wanted to work at a fast food place?"

"Sort of. Not really. It just…" She twisted the braid around her finger. "You know, it was the only place where anyone spoke Spanish."

Vanessa laughed.

"I'm serious, V." Nina gave the braid a little tug; the strands unraveled.

"Ow. Sorry. Why are you pulling my hair about it? And why did you go all the way to Stanford if you wanted to speak Spanish with a bunch of losers in a fast-food joint?"

Nina shot her a glare. "Cut it out with the 'loser' thing. They're no more losers than anyone from the Heights." She caught Vanessa's raised eyebrow, cut in before she could speak. "Don't say it. You're from here too."

"Believe me, I know." Vanessa sighed, then raised a hand to stave Nina off as she started to retort. "But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you quitting school to work in a hamburger joint, for God's sake. What _is_ that? You were always more than that. You were gonna make something of yourself. Shit, you were something already. Why would you throw that away in a fast-food place?"

"Right, I was going to 'make something of myself,'" Nina said, a shot of bitterness edging the words. "I didn't figure out till I got there that I had no idea what that was supposed to be."

"What it was supposed to be? What about being a lawyer? Or a politician? When we were kids you were going to be the first female president."

"Yeah, when we were kids. Then I got out there and - V, do you know how many kids at Stanford were going to be the first female president?"

Vanessa twitched a shoulder impatiently. "So? What does that have to do with you?"

"So they're all the same! It's all the kids whose great-great-great-whatevers came over on the Mayflower, the ones who probably had ten million dollars put in a trust fund for their presidential campaigns when they were born. That's all the kids in my dorm, and I didn't know how to talk to any of them or - or anything. I'd go to the dining hall and listen to them talk about their internships and their a cappella groups and their vacation plans and their shopping trips, and then I'd go to Carl Jr.'s and -"

"And what? You felt like you belonged there?"

A long pause.

"No," Nina said, and by the way she pressed her lips together Vanessa could tell she was trying not to cry.

"I don't know where I belong," she said finally, a thread-thin crack running through her voice.

"Hey," Vanessa said softly, and looped an arm around Nina's neck, pulling her close so that Nina's head was resting on her chest. She twined one of Nina's curls around her finger, let it rest there like a ring. "You belong here," she said, and Nina's breath caught a little in her chest.

They lay like that for a minute or two. Nina thought that she'd never felt so at peace and so anxious at the same time.

"Truth or dare?" she said eventually.

Vanessa glanced down over the tangle of curls on her breast. Nina tipped her chin up to meet the look.

"Uh... really? Still?"

"Yeah, V. Truth or dare."

"Um, okay. Dare."

Nina blew out a breath and pushed herself into a sitting position. "Right. Here's a dare for you. Why don't you take a truth for a change?"

"Okay..." Vanessa said slowly. "Truth, then."

_Three, two, one._

"Nina? What are you -"

The rest of the sentence was lost as Nina kissed her.

The kiss was a long one - longer than Nina had meant it to be. But she'd never kissed a girl before. Never kissed someone who kissed back the way that Vanessa, after a brief frozen moment, was doing now. She'd never kissed someone and then found that she didn't know how to stop kissing them. Vanessa's shirt had pulled up in the back; Nina slid a hand around to feel bare skin, pulled Vanessa closer. She wanted to do so much more, everything at once, she had no idea how much she could dare -

Vanessa broke the kiss in the end. Pushed Nina an inch or two away, stared at her wide-eyed.

"Holy shit," she said.

Nina stifled a wild, slightly hysterical giggle. Vanessa's brows had drawn together.

"How was that a truth?" she asked after a minute. Her voice was a little breathless.

"Truth," Nina whispered, holding her gaze. "What are you thinking?"

Vanessa hesitated. Nina's world went on pause.

Then her mouth was on Nina's again, and Nina's body tossed up against hers like the slap of a tidal wave, and when the next train blew past the window, both of them were past being able to hear it.


	3. Chapter 3

_Find My Way Home_

Chapter Three

Vanessa wasn't a lesbian. That wasn't her style, that wasn't her scene. She wasn't a barrio girl either, not anymore. She'd gotten away and she couldn't shake the past off fast enough.

She had big plans for herself. "Lesbian" was not among them.

So now she was lying flat on her back on the floor of her own apartment, listening to Nina's breathing from the bed above her and steaming silently. What the fuck was Nina doing, barging back in here with her rain-soaked clothes and her stories about "queer" groups (who even said that!) and her chaos of curls and her tears and her vulnerability? And all the questions she brought along with her, banging at the surface of their conversation -

_What was that thing from last summer, Vanessa?_

_Why didn't you ever call me?_

_Why did you blow me off last Christmas?_

_What are you so afraid of?_

Vanessa was afraid.

Last summer, the night of the blackout, everything had happened so fast there'd been no time for fear. Nina had kissed her and suddenly everything she wanted was _right there_, no time for thoughts or doubts to clog up the works. There was no time to sift through where this was coming from or where it might go. Every second was a new revelation, and suddenly she'd never felt hotter or wilder or better than she was with this girl who'd been her best friend since kindergarten.

"Have you ever -" Vanessa had begun to whisper at one point, a whisper that turned into a gasp as Nina's did something that made Vanessa's whole body clamp down and convulse. _Have you ever done this with a girl before_ was the unspoken end of her question, and Nina shook her head, several curls of hair still stuck to her neck in the heat, and said "No" in a perfectly casual tone before she did it again and a groan tore out of Vanessa's throat. It wasn't until later, as Vanessa lay half over Nina's body, sliding her hand down over the smooth skin of Nina's stomach as she finished making one hell of a hickey just above Nina's collarbone, that the other possible meaning of Nina's response occurred to her. "Oh, shit, Nina," she gasped, her hand stalling out at a particularly crucial point. "Are you a virgin?"

Nina had let out a soft cry of frustration and thrown her head back on the pillow. "Oh, God," she'd said, voice unsteady, and then had caught Vanessa's wrist with her hand, guiding her to move again. Vanessa heard Nina's gasp, felt herself grow a little dizzy for a second. Then she heard Nina say "Not anymore."

"What?"

"You asked - _oh_ - if I was a virgin and I said - no, no, please don't stop! Vanessa!"

_Not anymore._ The implications of that were staggering. That this was Nina's first time having sex - that they were actually having sex. This wasn't a couple of old friends having some nameless good times after a night out; this was sex. Vanessa was having sex with Nina Rosario. And it was Nina's first time.

At the time her response had been simple. After freezing for that split second, the sensible thought had occurred to her: _If it's her first time, she deserves it to be good._ Vanessa took a second to use her free arm to throw a pillow at Nina's head; Vanessa's mom was in the apartment and might hear. Nina caught the signal and held the pillow to her face as Vanessa did the things that she always wanted guys to do to her, the things so many of them were clueless about. It was second nature - of course she knew what to do and how to do it, she had the same parts herself and she knew how to use those - and as she brought Nina as high as she could go, as the pillow became not quite enough to muffle the noise after all, Vanessa had a sudden thought: _I am never doing another blow job again_. Bringing Nina off felt like home.

Thinking about it a year later, Vanessa found her thoughts dragging unwillingly over the events of the rest of the year. How many blow jobs had she done since then? How many guys had she fucked? And had she enjoyed any of it at all?

"Shit," she said aloud, and then flinched. Nina was lying in the bed two feet away and her breathing said she wasn't asleep. She'd have to ask what was wrong. Hurriedly, Vanessa started massaging her leg; _just a cramp_, she'd reply when Nina asked.

But Nina didn't. That felt as wrong as everything else had that night.

So Vanessa lay there on the floor, apologies and excuses and accusations and anxieties chugging around and around in her head until she wanted to scream. How could Nina have just come back like this?

_...the last time I wanted to stay over, the place was too small._

"It _is_ too fucking small," Vanessa muttered under her breath, twisting onto her side and nearly cracking her head on the side of the bed. Then she waited for Nina to say something, again. The silence piled up around them, dense as cotton balls.

_...the last time._

Vanessa kicked the blankets off her legs in an abrupt explosion of movement, leapt up and headed into the bathroom. She thought she heard Nina stir behind her, maybe propping herself up on her elbows to watch Vanessa go, but Vanessa didn't turn around. She slammed the bathroom door behind her and flung herself down on the closed toilet lid, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. She regarded the smooth white surface of the tub for a moment, wondering if she could maybe sleep in there for the night.

_Great, Vanessa. Awesome plan. You ran out of places to run to, so now you want to sleep in your bathroom until the problem goes away. Just go back out there and talk to the girl, for fuck's sake. This is stupid._

"Shut up," Vanessa told the voice, and lay down in the tub. Then she closed her eyes and tried not to keep running over the events of the last year in her mind. Of course it didn't work.

She and Nina had slept together precisely three times after the night of the blackout, and each time had left Vanessa feeling a little more confused, a little more chaotic, than the time before. There were all kinds of weird things going on and Vanessa didn't know how to deal with any of them: she spent a lot of time vowing that it was never going to happen again, she'd hooked up with Nina out of drunkenness and silliness and - and - _something_, it didn't matter what, because it was a mistake and she was going to tell Nina that the next time she saw her.

But then Nina would actually show up, and Vanessa would be faced with that look in Nina's eyes - shy and knowing all at once, happy and anxious and heartbreakingly naive still - and Vanessa could never find the words. She found her tongue in Nina's mouth a lot, though. Among other places.

Oh Christ it was so hot, and oh Christ it was so wrong. It had to be. Vanessa was made to keep sugar daddies dangling on a string, and she was made to rise above the barrio like a firework rocketing into the sky. And while Nina was so much more than the place she came from, Vanessa knew her well enough to know that she'd never leave that place behind. She carried it with her everywhere she went; she'd never forget where she was from. How could Vanessa be with someone like that, someone with Washington Heights running through her blood, when all Vanessa wanted to do was get away from the Heights once and for all?

And anyway. All of that aside, she was not a lesbian. Absolutely no way. Vanessa knew about three things about lesbians and they were all terrible. What was she supposed to do, trade in her heels for Birkenstocks and cut off all her hair? Hang out with square-jawed girls in motorcycle jackets, talking about - what? What did you talk about when you were a lesbian? Transmissions and nipple rings, probably. Or cats. Vanessa hated cats.

She couldn't do this thing with Nina. She just couldn't.

It stopped when she moved downtown. She was real busy with moving, she told Nina; no, she didn't need any help. No, I'd love for you to see it but it's such a mess, I haven't unpacked yet, and besides it's so tiny you can't even move what with all the boxes. She put Nina off all through August, trying to shut her ears to the growing hurt and puzzlement in Nina's voice. When Nina went back to school, Vanessa sent her a nice email. Nina didn't reply.

Five days later Vanessa was in bed with, some guy she'd met about four hours before. Nice enough guy, or seemed to be. A little stunned that Vanessa had gone home with him on a first date when she had a reputation for stringing guys along forever. She'd made up her mind to like this guy - he drove a Lexus and he had nice arms - but the whole time she was with him she felt like choking, and just when they were really getting down to business, she lost it completely and had to run to the bathroom to throw up. _God damn you, Nina_, she thought, legs folded under her on the bathroom floor. _Why do I keep seeing your face? This is my life. I picked it out a long time ago. Why do I keep seeing your face?_

She told the guy she had a stomach virus, and he drove her home. The whole ride home, she stroked the leather of the car's interior.

The next day she convinced herself it really had been a stomach virus, and two weeks later she was hooking up with some other guy. That went a little better. She saw him twice before she slept with him. She didn't throw up. Eventually she dumped him for a guy with a slightly worse car but a nicer smile; but that never went anywhere. He was too nice, it turned out, interested in too much of her. He was always wanting to talk. He was way too sincere. If Vanessa had wanted a nice, sincere guy she'd have gone back to Usnavi, and that was blatantly impossible, because she had not set foot back in the Heights since she'd moved. Sometimes she wondered about Usnavi, what he was up to, whether he was giving free coffee to some other girl now. Then her mind would stray and she'd find herself wondering what Nina was up to. Was she dating anybody now? Sleeping with them? Was it a guy or a girl?

Then she'd shut her mind down with a click and go out to one of the clubs.

It all came to a head a few days before Christmas. Vanessa's phone rang at eleven that morning. Caller ID listed a number she didn't know, one with a weird area code. She almost let it go to voicemail, then reconsidered: she was trying to actually deal with the collection agencies lately, quit dodging all their calls. Steeling herself for the unpleasantness, she picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Vanessa?"

She froze.

"It's Nina."

"Right - hey, Nina. Of course. I know your voice. Girl, it's been so long!" If she paused everything she didn't want to deal with was going to rush into the space between her words. "What's happening? How's California treating you? Is it always 75 and sunny there? I bet it's great."

A slight hesitation. "Actually, I'm home now."

"You mean... in New York?"

"Yeah. Christmas break."

Oh God. "Awesome! For how long?"

"A few weeks. And I was wondering... I'd love to see you, V. I was wondering if you wanted to get together sometime."

Vanessa had a million excuses at the ready. She was great at putting people off. Instead, she heard herself saying, "That would be great. I'm free tonight, actually, if you are."

"Oh - great!" Vanessa could tell from the animation in Nina's voice that she hadn't expected this to be so easy. "I'm staying with my parents. I mean, obviously. Do you want to have dinner, maybe? We could meet at Margot's."

"Oh -" Vanessa closed her eyes. She couldn't deal with going back home - no, not home; back to the Heights - along with everything else. "Actually, why don't you come down here instead? There's a great place right down the street from me. You'll love it."

"Hey, sure. Maybe I can even see your new place, finally."

The words were spoken lightly, casually, but Vanessa felt her stomach tighten. "Maybe. I mean, it's a mess."

"Oh, like I care. But -" Nina's tone was suddenly more formal. "But it's your call."

"No, that's great," Vanessa said, inanely. "I mean... I mean, I'll see you tonight."

"Great. I'm really excited to see you again."

"Yeah - me too." Somehow, she found herself adding softly, "I've really missed you, Nina."

"Same goes." A pause. "Vanessa -"

But Vanessa pretended she didn't hear that. "Awesome. So, meet me at, what, seven?"

"Yeah. Yeah, seven's cool."

"Great. See you then."

When they hung up Vanessa pressed the phone to her lips. Her cheeks were flaming, her pulse running too fast.

"Get _over_ it," she told herself. Then she threw a pillow across the room.

Vanessa applied her makeup carefully that night, and styled her hair even more carefully. She'd picked out a short black shirt and a new aquamarine halter top, a color that should have looked lousy with her coloring but was actually kind of fantastic. She was slipping into a pair of fuck-me stilettos before she caught herself. _What is this, a date?_ she thought. Then she ignored the fact that she didn't really know the answer to that and slid on a pair of shorter, chunkier heels. Still, she didn't need the mirror's confirmation to know that she looked good. She snatched up a purse and was out the door five minutes early, a total anomaly for her.

When Nina saw her across the restaurant, a smile like summer broke across her face. She ran lightly across the room, and before Vanessa knew what she was doing she'd swept the smaller girl up in a hug that lifted her off her feet. Nina smelled like the same old store-brand conditioner she always used. Strawberry cream or something. Vanessa had always had an irrational love for that smell.

"Hey. Wow. Nina, it's -"

"-so great to see you, V." Talking over each other. Impulsively, Vanessa grabbed Nina's hand across the table. Then put it down. Nina flushed and looked down at her menu.

Oh, God, Vanessa was so not over this girl. What the hell had she been pretending all this time? She'd never be over Nina Rosario. Cutting her out would be cutting out a piece of her own history. One of the best parts there was.

"You look… amazing, Vanessa," she heard Nina say.

"Thanks." She tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I know."

Laughing with Nina was the happiest she'd been in a long time.

They fell into conversation easily; all the tension of their phone conversation had vanished as though it had never been. Nina was doing well in school, and Vanessa was genuinely thrilled for her. And Nina wanted all the latest Heights gossip. Of course Vanessa didn't really know any of it, but enough of the salon's clientele from the Heights had stuck with them when they moved to the Bronx that she had at least a few stories about familiar names. Yolanda was pregnant and engaged to Javier because he was totally convinced he was the father only of course he wasn't. He'd bought her this huge cubic zirconia that looked like it came from a dollar store and Yolanda kept trying to pass it off as a real diamond. Rumor had it Javier had taken half the money he could have spent on getting her a real ring and used it to start a college fund for the baby, which under the circumstances was taking the proud papa thing to a really pathetic degree. Meanwhile everyone was waiting to see whether the father of the baby was going to turn out to be that black guy Yolanda had been dating for awhile. Nina laughed herself sick over all of it. It was all so much like old times that it made Vanessa ache.

Talking to Nina, Vanessa found herself wishing for the first time that she hadn't been avoiding the Heights since she moved. With Nina here, the whole thing didn't feel nearly so – so _un-deal-withable. _Why had she been so afraid to go back? Usnavi, Benny, Sonny, even Graffiti Pete and the rest of the street-corner punks she'd gotten so annoyed with when she was there – dammit, she missed them. None of them had anything to do with her mom, with the soul-crushing weight of what she'd been most desperate to escape. And sitting here with Nina, watching the excited play of emotions across her face, it was easy to forget how stifled Vanessa had felt by the people in the Heights too, sometimes. How dismissively she'd thought of them, how sure she'd been that she was better than them, made for bigger things.

Here with Nina, it was so easy to remember the best and forget the worst.

"Nina," she said suddenly, reaching out to grasp Nina's hand across the table. "I…"

Nina's face was so open, and so beautiful. Vanessa caught a flicker of some secret knowledge deep in her eyes.

"I… don't know what I was going to say," Vanessa said after a minute, feeling helpless.

Nina squeezed her hand, then looked directly into Vanessa's face. "Do you want to get out of here?"

A long moment.

Then Vanessa was fishing around in her purse for her wallet, dropping two twenties on the table. "Let's go."

They went back to Vanessa's apartment, Vanessa feeling like she was in a dream. When they kissed, Vanessa could not remember for the life of her why she had ever thought she wanted more or other than this.

The bed got a good workout. Vanessa had never seen anything more beautiful than the arch of Nina's neck as she threw her head back into the pillow, her whole torso lifting off the bed, heels hammering the mattress. There was no need to be quiet this time, and they weren't. Eventually, some hours later, they fell asleep in each other's arms.

Vanessa woke up first. Her eyes traveled slowly over the bed, the two of them, naked and tangled up in each other. She reached over to her bedside table with one hand, grabbed her cell phone, checked the time. 2:13. _Shit._

What was she _doing? _How could this be happening! She was supposed to be dating some dude – that – okay, so she couldn't remember his name. And she'd only seen him once. And she'd never slept with him. And maybe wasn't going to. Because he wasn't much to brag about. But – but he was a guy! And Nina wasn't just not a guy and Vanessa wasn't just not a lesbian, Nina was supposed to be her best friend and Vanessa had no idea what any of this was about and it was turning into, like, a _thing_, she and Nina kept falling into bed whenever they saw each other and pretty soon it was going to be like they were a _couple_ and what the hell, she wasn't a lesbian! And all this serious stuff, all this _weight_, being with someone who knew so much about you, someone you actually cared about, someone who could actually hurt you. Nina was turning everything Vanessa had ever thought she knew about her life and herself upside down and Vanessa _did not like it_. It wasn't okay. She couldn't do this.

"Hey." Shaking Nina's shoulder. "Nina, wake up."

"Mmm?" Nina opened her eyes groggily. "What – oh," she murmured, a sleepy smile spreading across her face. "Is it morning? Can't be morning. What is it?" She snuggled in closer to Vanessa, placed a soft kiss on the slope of her breast. Vanessa stiffened. 

"Seriously, Nina, wake up. You have to go."

"I have to _go?_" Nina pushed herself upright, more awake now. "What are you talking about? Where? Why?"

"You have to go home. Come on. Your parents'll be worried about you."

"I told them I might spend the night here," Nina said slowly, and Vanessa winced. "If we were out late. They worry about me taking the subway alone at night."

"Oh, come on, I take it alone at night all the time. I have mace if you need it."

"I didn't say I worried about it, I said they did. I have mace too. Vanessa, what the hell is going on here? Why are you kicking me out?"

"I'm not kicking you out!" A total lie. "I just – I really think you should get home. You don't want to miss being home for the night when you're… not here for very long. Your parents will miss you."

"My parents are asleep! God, Vanessa, why all this bullshit!"

"Look, you just can't stay. I mean, look at this place. There'd never be room for two people in the morning, falling over each other trying to use the bathroom and the kitchen and –"

"Oh my God. You are not serious."

"I am! This place is tiny. Way too small for two people."

Nina was silent for a long moment, eyes closed, lips pressed together, clearly fighting for control. "Why are you doing this to me?" she asked finally. Her voice was low, shaking.

"I'm not doing anything to you. I swear. I just… really don't have room."

"Okay. You know what? Fine." Nina shot up out of the bed, began throwing her clothes on. Her shirt wound up on backwards. "I hope you really enjoy –" shoving her leg into her jeans, so hard she almost toppled – "using your bathroom in the morning, alone. I mean, God forbid you should ever have to make space for anyone else in your goddamn fucking self-centered life."

"Nina!"

"Yeah, fuck you too, Vanessa. Goodbye."

The door slammed shut behind her, hard enough to rattle the walls.

…_that's okay. I never let them stay,_ Vanessa thought.

But she heard her own voice, speaking to Usnavi: _…what I hate most in the world… being left alone._

"Why does none of it make any sense?" she whispered.

From far away, she heard the outer hallway door slam. She fell back on the pillow that still smelled like Nina and let the tears rip her apart.

Nina had gone back to Stanford after break without speaking to Vanessa again. Over time, Vanessa thought, they'd sort of made it up. She had run into Nina once during her spring break. Nina had come to the salon to see Daniela and Carla; she and Vanessa had both stumbled terribly over their words at first, and it was clear that Nina had not expected Vanessa to be there. A little weird, Vanessa thought, given that she worked there, but Daniela cleared it up for her: "She called to ask if you were working today. I said no."

"You said no? Why?"

Daniela arched an eyebrow. "I must have been mixed up."

_Like hell you were. _Vanessa swung around and strode away, pissed off and wondering what Daniela's angle was.

But it went okay, after all. It would have been impossible to avoid Nina without Daniela reading into it and spreading some kind of rumor all over the world, so Vanessa forced herself to talk to Nina normally. No reference to what had happened over Christmas, obviously. Nina responded in kind – a little formal, but maybe not so anyone else would notice – and they parted with one of those little awkward hugs where nothing's touching below the shoulder. Nina went back to Stanford after a few weeks, and a few weeks after that Vanessa got a stupid computer virus that sent spam out to everyone in her email address book. Nina sent Vanessa an email giving her a heads up, and even though three-quarters of the people Vanessa knew had done the same thing, Nina's email was the one Vanessa replied to. Sorry about that, thanks for letting me know, and by the by, how's Stanford going? They exchanged a few awkward, perfectly courteous emails before they let it drop. So they were officially on speaking terms. Perfect.

Vanessa tried not to think about what would happen when Nina came back for the summer. Would they see each other? Probably not. She was looking for a new job now, too, something that would pay better, so even if Nina went to the salon to visit with Carla and Daniela, Vanessa wouldn't be there. She'd started thinking about moving out of the city, anyway. She shouldn't be paying through the nose for a studio just for the sake of staying in New York. It wasn't like she had any real friends left in the city anyway, especially if she left the salon. She'd miss the night life, but it was probably time for her to settle down anyway. Not with someone - just in general. She was getting sick of going on dates with guys who bored her. And somehow, all of them bored her these days.

Sometimes it occurred to her that she was cutting more and more people out of her life lately. That she was going to end up with nobody pretty soon if she wasn't careful.

_What? I don't care._

And then Nina showed up. Vanessa had been right, before, to tell her that there wasn't room for her. With her there, the apartment was bursting with memories and questions and fear and desire and total confusion. Vanessa shifted uncomfortably in the tub, aware on some dim level of how completely ridiculous all this was. Curling up on her side, legs pressed uncomfortably against the edge of the tub, she closed her eyes and tried to pretend everything away.


	4. Chapter 4

_Find My Way Home_

Chapter Four

Nina waited a long time in the bed, listening to the silence in the bathroom, before getting up and knocking lightly on the door. "Vanessa?"

No answer. A slight shifting sound.

"Vanessa, are you okay? You've been in there for an hour. Everything all right?"

"I'm fine," came Vanessa's voice, after a minute's pause. "I was just… um, in the tub."

"Oh, I – sorry." Nina bit her lip, cleared away the mental image. "I just didn't hear the water running," she said. "My bad."

"No –" The bathroom door swung open and there was Vanessa, looking rueful. Dry and rueful. "I wasn't taking a bath."

"You were… in the tub, not taking a bath?"

"Yup." She crossed the room, plopped down in the computer chair. "Forget it. I'm never going to get to sleep tonight."

"Vanessa, just take the bed. I don't care, seriously. I'll take the floor."

"You've never been able to sleep on the floor. Your back gets all cramped up."

"Yeah, well, you can't sleep on the floor either. You kick and squirm and then you start cursing and then you get mad and demand the bed."

Vanessa sighed and leaned her head back on the chair. "I guess that's why we always shared the bed when we had sleepovers."

"I guess."

A long silence.

"Vanessa, I can't deal with this," Nina said suddenly.

Vanessa kept her eyes trained on the ceiling. "Can't deal with what?"

"You know what. Can we just… talk about it?"

Vanessa scowled. "What's there to say?"

"Good question. Well, you could start by apologizing for last Christmas. That would be one way to go."

"I –" Vanessa struggled against an angry, reflexive retort. "Fine," she said at last. "I'm sorry. I should have let you stay."

Nina sat down on the bed, leaned on her knees. "So why didn't you?"

"I… don't know." Vanessa studied a little crack that was forming near the overhead light. "Does it matter? I said I was sorry."

"I think it matters."

No reply. Nina began playing church-and-steeple with her fingers, mulling things over.

"Look," she said after a few minutes. "I want to tell you a little about the QSA. Okay?"

"Whatever," Vanessa said.

"Thanks for the enthusiasm." Nina sighed. "You know, I didn't join until like halfway through fall semester. At the beginning of the year, I was totally just – not thinking about what happened between us last year. Even though it was…" She blew a strand of hair off her forehead. "…a big deal," she finished. "A big deal for me. But then you just sort of dropped off the face of the earth and I didn't know what to do and I worked really, really hard to tell myself it didn't matter. I kept thinking, you know, all girls probably mess around with their friends. It doesn't make me gay or anything. I don't have to _be_ any of this. Then I met this guy at Stanford and we got into something kind of heavy –"

"Really?" Vanessa said, startled into looking at Nina.

Nina smiled wryly. "You thought I was a lesbian."

"Ummm… excuse me, Ms. I'm-an-Officer-in-the-Gay-Club, is this a trick question?"

"They call it 'queer' for a reason –"

"A reason other than trying to make straight people uncomfortable?"

"_Yes._ 'Queer' encompasses a whole lot of things. It just means… not heterosexual. No, not even that. Not heteronormative."

"What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Doesn't matter." Nina smiled a little. "The point is, there are a million ways of being queer. I'm attracted to guys and girls. I guess you'd call me bi."

"I'd call you that? Why, what would you call you?"

"Queer." Nina smiled. "But the label doesn't matter. Look, I worked really hard at pretending I was not interested in girls. If I was into James, obviously I was straight, right? But then he dumped me. And then Briana happened."

"Briana?" Absurdly, Vanessa felt herself stiffening, jealous.

"Yup." Nina let the word pop, a meaningful sound. "I met her in a study group for my Spanish lit class –"

"I thought no one spoke Spanish at Stanford."

Nina laughed. "Yeah, that was one of the stupidest things I ever said. No one spoke Spanish in my freshman dorm. If I'd looked for two seconds I'd have figured out that about a quarter of the student body is Latino. I'm in the Latino students' group now too. So's Bri."

"So – what? Are you and her together or something?"

"No. We never were, really."

"What's 'really'?"

Nina shot a keen look at Vanessa. "It means we hooked up twice. And the first time I got really overwhelmed and teary, because – I don't know. Ugh, that was embarrassing. Because of everything. Everything I had been trying not to deal with. I don't know why she went out with me again. I thought I acted more like a normal human being that time, but I wound up dumping all over her, trying to process stuff. I was kind of excited, you know, to be finally talking everything through, but I guess she wasn't looking to be my personal therapist, because in the morning she was gone."

"Ouch," Vanessa said, trying to pretend she had never done that to anyone.

Nina shook her head. "We're cool now. I mean, yeah, it stung, but she wasn't wrong. She'd left me a note. It said I needed to join the QSA, get my shit straight –" Nina laughed suddenly. "Not like that, you know what I mean. Anyway, the last thing she told me was to 'get over whoever it is you're not over yet.'" Nina let the conversation slide to a stop.

"James?" Vanessa said, lamely.

Nina shot her a look. "No."

"Oh."

Nina could see Vanessa waiting for her to go on, say something to break the awkward silence that was building. _Nope. Your turn, V. _ She folded her fingers together again and waited.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Vanessa said eventually.

_Seriously?_ "I don't want you to say any particular thing. I just want to not be the only one having this conversation."

"I don't know what you're talking about. You said you wanted to talk about your 'queer' group. So talk. I'm not the one in the group."

"Why not?"

"Why _not_? Dammit! Because – because I'm not!"

"Not what? Queer?"

"God, what is it with you and that word? No, I'm not _queer_."

"Stop _lying!_" Vanessa shot up in her chair, astonished at the anger in Nina's voice and face. "Why am I always the one putting it out on the line, Vanessa? I'm the one who has to make the first move with you, I'm the one who has to track you down when you're ignoring everyone who ever knew you, I'm the one who has to make the big speech about coming to terms with who you are. Can't you ever just meet me halfway? Can you at least not pretend we never went to bed together? Because we were both there."

"I –" Vanessa flushed. "Why does that have to make me… anything? You said it yourself, who cares about labels?"

"I'm not talking about labels right now, I'm talking about being honest. I need you to –" Nina stopped for a second, fought to keep her voice from pitching up. "I need you to not lie about this."

"Why? Seems like you have it all figured out. You're doing fine, with your labels and your girlfriends and your group and –"

"My group that I can't go back to, and I don't know how to – oh, God." And now Nina couldn't stop the tears from falling. Before she knew it, as if by reflex, Vanessa had crossed the room to sit by Nina. She tried to put a hand on Nina's shoulder. At once, Nina threw her off.

"I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't go back to Stanford, V," Nina said, face in her hands, words muffled. "I was finally beginning to find my place there. And it's the only place where people really know me right now. I need that."

"You mean… where people know you're bi."

"Yeah." After a minute, Nina raised her face to Vanessa's. "You're the only one who knows here, and you keep trying to pretend it never happened. I want you with me in this so much, Vanessa." Her face hardened a little, and she looked away. "But I guess you'd have to deal with your own stuff to do that, and maybe I shouldn't hold my breath."

The strawberry smell off Nina's hair was mixed with the smell of the rain, still. Sitting next to Nina, smelling her hair like that, Vanessa was finding this conversation increasingly difficult to carry on on a rational basis.

"Oh, fuck."

Nina looked up, startled. "What?"

Vanessa made a small, frustrated noise. "Maybe I'm not as brave as you, Nina, okay? Because I don't know how to deal with any of this. It doesn't make any sense to me. I can't even think about it without wanting to fly into a million pieces." Her voice broke a little, and she looked down at the floor. "It scares me. I know that's stupid," she added.

"Oh, God." And suddenly Nina had wrapped an arm around her, was pulling her close. Vanessa leaned against her, fighting for her composure. "It isn't stupid. You don't think I was scared? I was terrified. I mean, you want to talk stupid, picture me trying to hook up with this gorgeous girl at Stanford and breaking down into tears right in the middle of everything."

"I… don't really think I want to picture that," Vanessa said.

"Oh. That wasn't what I… um… oops," Nina said, and after a beat, they both laughed. "Okay, so scratch that. But seriously, it is scary. That's why I'm freaking out at not being able to go back to school. I mean, I'm loving my classes now, I'm loving the campus, it's everything I wanted it to be before I went, but the QSA… it's my community. And it's so important. I could never sift through this all on my own. I need people who get me. I need a community."

Vanessa closed her eyes, fighting with all her will not to cry. _My community. I need a community._ How had she managed to cut the concept of "community" so completely out of her life?

"I've been so alone," she said at last, and promptly burst into tears.

"Oh, no. Vanessa, please don't," Nina said, and pulled Vanessa into a hug so tight it made her own muscles ache. "You don't have to be. You don't have to be alone," she repeated. "I'm here. You're not alone, okay?"

"I'm sorry," Vanessa choked out. "I'm so sorry for everything."

"Shh. It's okay. We'll figure it out, all right?"

"Just don't leave."

"I'm not. Don't you leave either."

"It's my apartment."

"That's not what I mean."

"Oh…" _Don't shut me out again,_ Nina had meant. _Don't leave all of this behind._

After awhile they found that they were lying on the bed, fully clothed, nestled in together. Both of them had left their tears behind at some point. They were quiet, both lost in thought.

"Nina," Vanessa said eventually.

Nina propped herself up on her elbows. "Yeah?"

Vanessa watched her fingers tracing a small pattern on Nina's wrist, a little invisible bracelet. "I… don't think I'm bi. Sexual," she added, unnecessarily.

Nina tensed a little. "Okay… I don't know which direction you're taking this in, but if you're trying to backtrack over -"

"No – no, I'm not saying I'm straight. Okay? That's not what I'm saying."

"Wow… Okay."

Again, Nina had to watch Vanessa waiting for her to fill in the blank. She shook her head just a little. _This is definitely one you've got to do on your own, V._

"But whatever," Vanessa said in the end, and Nina exhaled: _shit. So close._ "I just don't… I've been thinking about it and I don't think guys… are… they're not… like you," she finished, incoherently.

The smile broke over Nina's face before she could stop it. "Should I be flattered?"

Vanessa meant to make some sort of snarky response, but somehow she couldn't quite find one. Instead, she found herself pulling Nina in and kissing her. Hard.

The kiss went on a long time, but no one's clothes came off. There was no rush this time. They had the rest of their lives to figure it all out.

"Nina," Vanessa whispered, pulling her mouth away from Nina's at last. She rested her lips on Nina's shoulder, feeling the warmth of her skin.

"Mmm."

"I… don't think I really want to join a group or something like that."

Nina glanced down at her. "I didn't say you had to."

"But you probably will, right? If you can't go back to Stanford." Nina closed her eyes. "I mean you probably can, your dad's being ridiculous," Vanessa added hurriedly. "I know your parents, they'll come around. Your mom's probably talking your dad out of it already. But even while you're here. Aren't you going to want to find one of those groups here? Find a community?"

"Maybe. But community's where you make it. Washington Heights is my community. It always has been. I know who I am there. But being queer… well. Maybe a community can begin with two people, and you can build as you go." Nina pulled Vanessa's head down to rest on her shoulder. "I know who I am here with you, too."

Vanessa burrowed a little deeper into Nina's shoulder. "Welcome home, Nina."

Nina planted a small kiss on Vanessa's temple. "You, too, V. Welcome home."

They fell asleep that way, Vanessa's body curved softly around Nina's.


End file.
